I Gotta Go | 19 January 2022
Why does walking in the cold make your bladder seem to shrink? Suddenly I was desperate. Before COVID it was hard enough to use a business’s bathroom without getting the stink eye, but these days it feels impossible. I spotted what looked like a park across the street. Yes. Dark enough. Let’s do this. That is to say, it was dark until blue and red lights lit up my bare ass.
BNR Response
As the cops sidle up behind me, clutching their belts like gunslingers from the Wild West (why do they all do that?), I’m already pissing with such need and urgency that I cannot stop mid-stream. Luckily, I am able to zip up before they are upon me, but that doesn’t stifle the immense humiliation of the moment. They write me a ticket for public indecency, make no less than three jokes about my “lady parts” being exposed to the elements, and all but high-five themselves on their way back to the squad car.
As they pull away, I’m once again alone in the darkness of the trees. I pull reflexively down on my jacket, covering the sliver of skin laid bare between my hip huggers and my shirt, and I tell myself that I can recover from this. “Get it together, Bristow,” I say aloud. I then examine my violation slip for the first time and realize that the financial penalty for having a waz outdoors is 350 smackaroos. Jesus Keeeerist.
What a fuckin’ week. First, I get kicked out of my place so my roommate Sadie can shag her boyfriend while he’s off the road for a week between shows. I discover that sleeping on couches isn’t as glamourous as it sounds, even for a few nights. My car breaks down on my way to Pescadero, and while I was able to safely walk to town in a few hours it had worn a hole in the bottom of my favorite boots from Mom that she rocked in the 70s. Earlier that night, I sat at the bar at Duarte’s for a few hours and warmed my stomach on Cream of Green Chile Soup and my soul on well whisky. I recounted my tale to Joaquin at the bar, and through a fog of booze and self-pity, raised a fist at the sky and asked what else the universe had in store for me. I know better than to chase trouble.
Petey asked me to keep him company while he inventoried the bar and locked up, and I happily obliged. I was supposed to meet Paula here to hang with her tonight, but she was a no-show. My phone battery was almost dead so I just let it ride and decided to see what might happen with Pete. We’d flirted with each other since Chemistry class in high school, and I thought maybe all this shite had happened to get me to this point right here. Petey hadn’t changed all that much, and what had changed was for the better: same beautiful hands but with more character, those muscular forearms that looked like they could tackle an ox, crows feet appearing when he smiled at me. Whoo-ee. We shot Fernet and shut out the lights. I mentioned my circumstances again, maybe it was the third time this evening, and he said I could crash at his place. We hopped into his old Volvo wagon, and Pearl Jam on the radio combined with the fragrance of Sex Wax on his surfboards worked like a time machine. The spell was broken, however, when we arrived at his apartment to find his angry girlfriend in nothing but an oversized Pantera tee-shirt on the stoop. She’d locked herself out while she stepped out for a smoke and was BEYOND pissed. Petey told me it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to stick around and that’s when I started hike number two of the day…but this time it was around 3AM, I was without a plan nor destination, and that hole in my boot indicated it was about 45 degrees.
It was at this time that I decided that maybe my best bet was to try to make it back to my car. Sure enough, just like Murphy predicted, as soon as I was back on the PCH I realized I had to go. I walked for another 15, 20 minutes but then it was unbearable. That’s when I had found the grove of trees, the campgrounds, whatever it was, relieved myself, had my lively encounter with highway patrol, and was just done. Just done with it all. Which brings us back to the present moment. Still several mile markers away from my car, I drop to the ground and wallow for a moment at my shit circumstances. And yet, the scent and sound of the eucalyptus swaying around me bring me to a place of calm. I wander deeper into the thicket, feeling oddly safe in this familiar and yet unfamiliar place. I think I see a bit of a clearing ahead, and then, yes, a campfire. There appear to be a few people gathering, is that a drum circle?, but I can’t make out any details. As I leave the shadows of the trees and bodies begin to take shape and encircle me with curiosity, I figure, what the fuck, what’s the worst that could happen?